Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Spensive beers

So I refrained from posting about this because I did not want my beloved wife to see it here. I wanted her to hear it straight the jackasses (errr.....horses) mouth. I just needed some time for things to perculate. On Wednesday evening of last week I had just woken up from a wonderful nap. My wife was packing for her trip back to St. Louis and I was supposed to take her to the airport on Thursday morning. Problem was that I really didn't have any money. So...I asked my wife for an allowance of sorts. She said, "Sure sweety....I've got $40...how much do you want?"

Me: "Ummmmmm.....$20 should be more than enough my love and did I mention that you look wonderful today?"

Her: "Thank you my Prince...here you go."

Me: "OK....I'm going to go grab some beers real quick."

So I head down to the store. This partucular store has some smaller coolers where they often keep some unusual stuff. I wandered over there and took a peak. I spied a 4 pack of Belgian beer that I had not sampled before but I knew it was brewed by the same folks that brew Duvel. I knew I couldn't go wrong. Now...mind you...I was tired. I said I had just woken up from a nap. I had the 20 dollar bill in my pocket and my intention was to get beers and then get some gas so that I could take Heather to the airport in the morning. I go up to the register and the guy says, "Ahh...getting the good stuff tonight huh?" I smile and nod. Then he says, "That'll be $18.03 sir." Next I heard (just like some creepy movie) that same sentence again but only in very slow-mo "TTHHHAAAATTTTT'LLLLLLLLL BBBEEEEEEEEEE $$$$$$1111111118888888888........000000000033333333333 sssssssiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrr." I stared at the guy for a few seconds and I know he thought I was special. I thought to myself, "Could this 4 pack truly be that expensive?" I could have walked back to the cooler to verify the price but then I would have looked like an idiot. I could have said, "$18.03!!!!!! Damn!!!!!! I can't afford that!!!!!" But then I would have looked like a loser. So.........with a little smurk, I reached into my left pocket, grabbed the money and handed it over. Then the guys all, "Well I think I have 3 pennies here." Then, like an idiot and a loser, I stick out my hand to TAKE the 3 pennies from him. I eventually realized that my hand was out there and yanked it back and went to run said hand through my hair but then realized, "You idiot/loser......you're BALD!!!!" I took the $2, put it in my pocket and walked out. As I was opening the door, I said to myself, "I'm in big trouble!" So the entire 2 minute drive home I'm trying to come up with a story to tell my wife about why I don't have enough gas to take her to the airport in the morning. I got mugged. I gave it to charity. Those weren't gonna work. Then I came up with the winner: I LOST IT!! When I got inside, I told her how beautiful she was again and opened up one of my beers. She asked how it was and I almost cried. "It's yummy sweetheart." The next morning we're driving down the mountain. Part of my strategy was to get down far enough so that when we did stop there wouldn't be time to go back home and look for it. Eventually we stopped and, for some odd reason, I decided to call an audible at the line of scrimmage. I'll tell her that I left it in my other pants!!!!! BRILLIANT!!! I pull up to a pump and reach to turn off the ignition. What's this??????? What's she doing???? OMG she's reaching in her purse. She's taking out the credit card!!!!!!!!!! She's handing it to me??????? I grabbed it and stared at her. Finally she says, "What's your problem?" Quickly I snapped out of it like a true hero would and said, "I'm just going to really miss you baby." If I knew how, I would have done a back flip after getting out of the car but I knew I'd only pull a back muscle. 20 minutes later I dropped her off and headed to work.

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