Back home

We've spent the last week In St. Louis visiting friends and Heather's family. It's always good to see everyone again but these trips are generally pretty emotionally draining for both of us. Overall, I'm happiest at altitude and my wife is happiest back home in Missouri. The drive home is always surreal as I'm always anxious to get back to the beautiful mountains and my wife is usually a bit sad to leave. 6 or 7 years ago she made the decision to come with me and has probably regretted it ever since. While there are some things that I don't like out here, it seems to be a bit easier for me to separate them from the things that are simply magical for me. It's selfish for me to ask her to continue to come back here. At the same time, it's selfish for her to ask me to move back home. We are both selfish people who love each other and don't want to think about living life apart. We both joke about coming up with a compromise (like somewhere in Kansas) but we both know that's just a way to try and ease the tension during those uncomfortable moments of discussion. No true compromise exists. I know how to deal with my own frustration/depression of living back in Missouri but am clueless of how to deal with hers while living out here. In my heart...I am tired of seeing my wife unhappy and know what the solution is. I'm willing to do it but I know it's gonna be very difficult for me. Maybe that's what these long rides are for? Perhaps I've found my niche? It's a way for me to have my solitude in the wild. It takes me back to when I was a kid and would spend hours upon hours in the woods behind my house. It gives me the time to stop and wonder who stood where I was before I got there? Who looked at the same stuff I'm now taking in. The midwest has some gorgeous scenery and some really remarkable history. It also has some pretty stifling heat and that's always been hard for me to deal with. I'm not sure I could do the bikepacking trips back there but I know it would make me appreciate the ones I can do much more. Maybe they'll even make me able to deal with the dark/tough times more efficiently? We've probably got a few more years out here but...time will tell.