Freed dog to....any home

Any backyard, junkyard, sideyard, whatever. I'd tell the SOB to take it to the streets and stand there with a thumb out but he can't even do that. He just got back from going outside where he took a huge dump. Not even 5 minutes later, he leaves another massive pile on my clothes. I wont mention any names here but someone (not me) stepped in a piece of it. Evidently the laws of physics (kinetic energy) came into play as it rolled off the offending jeans and made it's way to the carpet. Beautiful way to start the day. I may slather him in BBQ sauce tonight and tie him up for the mountain lions. Probably wouldn't work either. I'm sure the collar would break and he find his way up onto the deck and drop a deuce.