Friday, May 31, 2013

Do Not Eat in Woodland Park

Woodland Park is a weird town. I'll admit it. Super conservative and full of a lot of oddball people. There really isn't shit to eat in this town either. Although, we do have a Denny's that serves alcohol and that's weird all by itself. You can get a whiskey shooter with your pancakes. Seriously.

Heather and I were both feeling lazy tonight and decided to go check out a restaurant that recently opened up. It's in a lovely building that a place called the Martini Hut used to be in. That place was cool in terms of atmosphere but the quality of the food depended upon how much alcohol the owner had consumed that night. He drank a lot. After he left, another place went in and lasted a few months. I've heard that some people got food poisoning there. The building sat there derelict for quite a while and now this place is in there. We went in, sat down and...waited. We waited about 10 minutes before someone came over to wait on us. There was a piece of paper on the table that had some food items listed on it but I didn't think it was really the menu. Heather got water and I ordered a beer and then asked the gal if this was really the menu. It was. Now I know a lot of places have grilled cheese on the menu but there was only like 5 other things on the menu. 4 of those other things were Paninis. Those are just sandwiches that have been toasted on a George Forman grill. One of those Paninis had 3 different kinds of cheese on it. Like a fancy grilled cheese. Who the hell needs all that cheese backing up your plumbing? You couldn't even get any damn fries either. Just potato chips. What the hell is that? We left. Starved. There was also someone dining in the restaurant that I don't care for and, in fact, I had just told Heather the night before that it was only a matter of time before our paths crossed in town somewhere.

We decided to go to Divide and try McGinty's one more time. We've not had good luck there. Things haven't changed. Most places don't use the big ass pieces from the center of the head of lettuce in their salads. Occasionally, you might find one but those pieces should not be the main theme in the salad. It's almost like they are making salads from the throw away lettuce of other restaurants. I decided to play it safe and get a Reuben. You can't screw up a Reuben. I was wrong. Dry ass corn beef. Not enough 1000 island dressing. Those that know me will attest to the fact that I am not one to complain at restaurants AT ALL. I never ask for anything to be taken off the bill. It really takes a lot for me to be disappointed at a restaurant. I was.

Right before we went out, my buddy Scott texted me to tell me where his family was camping and what they were having for dinner. Hot dogs on damn tortillas with Mac and Cheese. I made fun of him for eating a hot dog on a tortilla. I would never make fun of Mac and Cheese because it's the shit. I would have loved a cold hot dog on half a tortilla that fell in the dirt.

Screw you McGinty's. Screw you new place in the old Martini Hut building. On the way back through Woodland we recounted the shitty things that had happened to us at each restaurant. Bad Mexican food. Just not authentic. Boring. At all 3 Mexican places. The new sushi place in the strip mall next to City Market? Not a chance. The 2 Chinese joints? Negative. Pretty sure the one was closed for so long because they were selling dope in the drive through. We went to Casa Grande after they opened (one of the Mexican restaurants) and I ordered an amber Dos Equis. True story...floating in the foam was a hair. All I'm gonna say is that the hair was short, curly, and appeared extremely coarse. I'll let you come to your own conclusions. How about the Biergarten? I was so psyched when this place opened. First time in I order a good beer. I go to take a sip and there's multiple hairs around the rim of the mug. WTF? I go back to the attractive young lady who served it to me and tell her to try again. She apologizes and gives me a different mug. It had less hair. I was looking for NO hair. I think the gals wear those short skirts in the hopes that you're looking at their legs and ass and don't notice the hairs. A lot of people in Woodland rave about Joanies. They serve Boreshead meat which is good but they are sandwiches for cripes sake. Hard to get psyched over a sandwich and a damn dill slice. The best thing we have going is the Swiss Chalet. Nice people. Excellent food. is very pricey. I'm not saying it's not worth it. We've gone there a few times and it's always impeccable. I just don't make that much money. All I'm saying is that there's gotta be a middle ground between the Swiss Chalet and...shit with a high likelihood of hair. The Ute?? No. Them and Bucks (which is now closed) are both a serious gamble. Now I've had a few drinks at both places but even then I'm calculated about what I drink. Tap beer? Not likely. Those lines are filthy. Bottled beer only and only if I can watch it being opened and see it for the entire trip back to me. I'll also mention that I saw one of the saggiest and wrinkliest titties there late one night. It was enough to trigger my gag reflex. That about sums up the dining in Woodland Park. Feel free to let me know if you're ever in town. We can go for a ride. Chase trout. But...we will eat down the mountain.

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